So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
