I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
