are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
