rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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