thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
