P.S. I can't hear my feet
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
