I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
