Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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