Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
