At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
