no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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