remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
