oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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