Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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