If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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