I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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