Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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