Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
