I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
