Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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