Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So squirting runs in the family.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
