take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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