tonight lets celebrate not being married
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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