awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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