My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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