I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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