she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
