just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
