He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's never too late to be topless.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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