i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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