I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
