someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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