why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
