pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
