yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
