i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
the liver wants what the liver wants
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
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