Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
