Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
