I think I am morally bankrupt
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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