I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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