i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
