A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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