Just cropdusted the office
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
