I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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