Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
