so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
