I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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