Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
