im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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