everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Acid is not a monday night drug
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend