Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Four minutes until I can fart!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.