i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me