Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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