dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
