today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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