I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
