First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
