wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
