there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
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Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
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i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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